Family behavior
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FAMILY DENIES ADDICTION
Family members deny addiction, just as the addict himself does. They all try to keep up appearances acting as if nothing happened and ev1.erything was fine, keeping addiction in secret.
They might feel ashamed for what is going on at home, and to acknowledge what is really going on is way too painful. While some only hide it to the outside world, other fall into full denial, even for themselves.
Such behaviour prevents family members acknowledge the fact that a certain problem may be a direct consequence of an addictive behaviour, just like when an addict loses his/her job, and blame others for their so believed to be bad luck.
2. FAMILY MEMBERS DO NOT SHOW THEIR INTENSE EMOTIONS
Family members don´t show their intense emotions, and, as time goes by, they all get used not to even feel them. The most intense ones, like rage, are considered dangerous. They try to maintain a sort of an emotional silence so that nothing disturbs the addict, for they really fear this/her reaction, particularly violent reactions.
Because addiction is such a highly emotional conversation topic, no one talks about it. It is as if they lived under the motto “if you don´t express any emotion or say anything, it might not be for real”.
The issue is that emotions can´t be quieted as wished. Either you feel, or you don´t feel at all. When one tries to quiet intense emotions, consequently quiets the rest of the emotions.
Thereof, one ends up having trouble identifying what one feels. It is for this reason that rage can be felt in the form of anxiety or stress, and depression in the form of irritability.
Given the fact that emotions guide us and are so important in our decision-making process and in our relationships, difficulties identifying feelings may result in all kind of problems, including of course issues with relationships with non-family members.
3. FAMILY MEMBERS TRY TO CONTROL THE ADDICT
Family members try their best to make the addict stop using, although they fail over and over again. They also try to control each other, telling everyone else to do what they believe is best. Family members may divide into two groups: those who believe the addict should be kicked out of the house and sever relations with him/her, and those who are on the addict´s side, looking for excuses and covering up all consequences of his/her behaviour.
4. REVERSING ROLES
These attempts of controlling everyone and everything, and banning feelings and conversations are privacy invasions that trespass psychological borders. Cross-generational borders fall apart. Parents within a functional family do not share certain information with their children nor seek emotional support from them. Nevertheless, stress levels in family members are so high that children sense their parent´s discomfort and feel the urge to take care of them, to save the family. Thus, children take responsibilities that don´t belong to them at all, for what they really need is adults taking care of them instead.
The oldest son/daughter usually ends up taking the role of his father/mother, and acting so towards his/her brothers/sisters.
Such attitudes result in children turning into adult way too soon, setting aside their own childhood needs.
5. TRUST AND PRIVACY ISSUES
Family members slowly begin to react to everyone else´s emotional requests. Now they don´t act as they said they would, nor they support each other, nor they react in an empathic and reasonable way, and trust and privacy once shared in the past is there no more.
Therefore, children grow up to be adults who perceive relationships as stressful and destructive. Children grow up to be adults with serious privacy issues.
6. FAMILY MEMBERS ACT IN SUCH A WAY ADDICTION IS REINFORCED
In order for the family to stay alive, family members carry out whichever tasks were the addict´s responsibility. If he/she loses his/her job, they may not be able to cover expenses anymore, so they manage to earn more and keep the wheel turning, preventing the addict take consciousness of the negative consequences of his acts.
This is how an addict continues using, because he/she does not feel any consequences of his addiction; for him/her, it is just a matter of waiting for the other part to pick up the pieces and provide what´s needed. Family members fall into a trap that reinforces addiction.
7. FAMILY AND CODEPENDENCY IN ADULTHOOD
Adult children don´t learn how to identify their emotional needs; as adults, they are extremely sensible to emotional atmosphere. They see love as a way to fulfill their dependency emotions, instead of a real interest in the wellbeing of their partner. As a result, they feel more comfortable in relationships where the other person is not completely independent, just as addicts are. The result is that they are very likely to choose an addict as a partner. Family members usually need help in order to get over all this issues and to be able to have future healthy relationships.